I woke up to our family goldfish “stinky” floating belly up in his tank this morning. No joke, I opened the top of his tank to feed him as I do every morning for the past 2 years and there he was. We won him at the Marshfield fair and at the time I had one of those mom moments, ya know, the ones where you say, “Over my dead body. We are not taking home a fish. I’ll be the one that has to take care of it!” Well, as you can tell, I lost that battle and stinky came home with us anyway. I stared at the poor little guy this morning, my eyes filled and I began sobbing. Then I stopped. My logical mind chimed in, “are you serious, this is a goldfish”. I took a deep breath, noticing that my 9 year old son was watching my response, and his eyes began to fill. I thought to myself, “you have been a nurse of 17 years and watched many souls go out of this world without shedding a tear, but you’re gonna break down over a gold fish?!” Do you know what my very next thought was? “Ya know what, yes I am!” I cried and I let my son see me cry, and I said, I’m gonna miss stinky, so I’m gonna let out my sadness and then be happy for where he is now. He was a lot less phased by stinky’s passing than me, lol. I realized in this moment how sensitive I have become. As a nurse I learned to build walls, to protect myself, to shield my heart from pain. The unpredictablility of my job taught me that there was discomfort in feeling and I therefore needed to prevent myself from doing it. As a medium I have learned to break down those walls, to allow myself to feel whatever I feel, and to acknowledge pain in a whole new way. John Holland says, “The price of sensitivity, is sensitivity”. The truth is I have made myself a sensitive being in order to connect with the subtleties of energy that surround us everyday. This is what I do. My sensitivity allows me to tune into the vibration of spirit with clarity, but does come at what some would look at as a price tag. So yes, I am a sensitive being, to a degree I have never allowed before, and I can say with certainty, I wouldn’t change a thing. So for those of you who also feel like your a sensitive being, this one is for you!
There is nothing wrong with being sensitive. We are all sponges soaking up the energy and emotions around us to some degree. Some of us are just more aware of that concept than others. Once we come to understand energy and how we respond to it, we learn to understand ourselves on a whole new level. Yesterday I was running on my treadmill, thoughts racing thru my mind as usual, my “to-do” list, my criticisms and judgement, my expectations, everything that I know doesn’t serve me, but none the less still exists within me and exists within us all. Let me just say this, there are no human beings who do not experience these things, there are just human beings who don’t talk about their experience of these things. We are all human and all flawed, and that is why we are here. External triggers to our ego and the emotional rollercoaster are part of life. How we respond and react to those triggers and rides is our experience of life. Are you still with me? So yesterday I am running and running and literally beating the “piss and vinegar” out of my thoughts. Then it was like someone hit a switch and an unexplainable flood of emotion came over me like a tidal wave. I began to cry, ugly cry. It was like someone took a pin and released all this pressure that was built up inside. Like everything I let rise to the surface had been swiftly and gently lifted away. In that moment all those thoughts faded away. In that moment there was but one emotion that started to well up inside me. That emotion was love. Just love, but in so many different forms. Love in the form of forgiveness, forgiveness to myself and to others for the judgement and criticisms we were unable to see with compassion. Love in the form of gratitude for the moments I’ve had, whether great and not so great, they led me to this moment. Love in the form of understanding for all that is and for who is in my present moment, it’s all for good reason. In my head I heard the words of the lord’s prayer being recited back to me, “Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven, give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us”. Let those words sink in. Do you know what I heard next, “move it”. In a very confident voice, so simple, “move it”. The voice of spirit comes not when you want it, but when you need it. I began to understand on a whole new level what had just happened. In moving my body, I prompted my shell to crack. Just like a turtle we create these invisible shells to protect ourselves from having painful or uncomfortable experiences, but if we never come to understand these experiences, then what were they for? If we never crack open the oyster, do we ever discover the pearl? Each day we add layers to that shell based on our experience. Each layer is like a blanket. The illusion is that this blanket is insulating us, to keep us warm and cushion our falls. The truth is, that blanket, it smothers our light. God’s light within us all. We are Human!! While it’s ok to protect yourself in certain circumstances, it’s also just as important to routinely crack those shells we’ve created and shed the blankets. Life is unpredictable and messy and we need to find the beauty in the mess. In doing so, we allow our uncomfortable or painful thoughts and emotions to rise and to be released. Our light inside, that was once smothered, is now allowed to shine again. Every time I do this, I feel like I am finding myself again. Like oh yeah, that’s who you really are, I remember now! Exercise has always been a part of my routine or my sadhana, but I have a whole new understanding for how movement of our bodies is crucial for self-discovery. I promise, every time you move, you will crack that shell, you will learn something new about yourself, and you will re-align to what you want your experience of life to be, instead of what you think it is.
My sister Bernadette introduced me to running years ago and I’m not gonna lie, I always kind of viewed it as a bit of a chore, until I stopped making it one. I run when I want to, and when I don’t, I choose to move my body in other ways that serve me in that moment. She started a business years ago called “Find Your Wae” based on her journey of self-discovery. She is now dedicated to helping others find themselves amidst their experience of life. The crazy thing is, her self-discovery was triggered by painful experience. In that pain she was led to run. Running became the answers to her prayers that led her to discover her light again and to share that light with others. She made the choice not to stare at that mountian, she moved it, and she started that process by moving her body! My niece Meg, aka “The Fearless Healing Yogi” has introduced me to yoga as well, and even though I’m a totally awkward yogi, I’ve found that gentle movement of my body is just as effective in cracking my outer shell and ringing out my emotions. No one can make me feel like a freshly rung out towel like Meg can in just one of her hot yoga sessions. Self-discovery is in itself a journey not a destination. I know the day I wake up and say I know everything, is the day I will wake up in heaven. Until then I will continue to move it, my body that is, oh and of course those pesky mountains that end up in my way. I’m gonna leave all of y’all in my sensitive squad with two things to get you thru the day. One, is that song by Reel 2 Real, that goes like this, “I like to Move it, move it, ya like to move it, move it”. Let that be your mantra today, cuz if ya don’t move it, ya lose it kids. Second, one of my fav quotes, from one of my fav babes, “I wasn’t searching for something or someone…I was searching for me.” ~Carrie Bradshaw
May the light in me in some small way, be the match to re-ignite the light in you today. Xo Jules
P.S. If you would like more info on the above fore mentioned babes who help me to “move it” visit. “http://www.thefearlesshealingyogi.com/ and http://findyourwae.com/ or find them on facebook. They will feed your soul!